black…MYstory

Up until a few years ago, I would get greatly offended at any comparison of the struggles of the GLBT (gay,lesbian,bisexual,transgender) community to that of black people to obtain civil rights.  However, after seeing what certain Republicans (and a few of us on the left) have wrought, I can now understand the comparison.

There’s be a lot said about “the sanctity of marriage” and how gay marriage would undermine that.  However, in a country where half the marriages end in divorce, “the sanctity of marriage” isn’t exactly a high priority.  Also, let’s be honest.  I have yet to hear a couple say, “We got divorced because a gay couple got married.  We just felt that marrige in this country was becoming a mockery so, we split up!”

So, I would like to suggest some real ways in which we can address the “sanctity of marriage” for straight couples so that we can feel morally justified in telling other people how to live their lives.

1. Outlaw divorce: The number one killer of marriages is…ummm…divorce. Just cut in out altogther and the “success” rates of marriages double.  Of course, there are loopholes.  For example, there’s always death.
2. Enact harsh penalties for adultery: Too many marriages end due to infidelity.  So, we need to outlaw adultery.  To hell with scarlet letters or public shame — I’m talking about prison time.  If the police catch you sneaking out on your spouse for a booty call in the middle of the night or a quick “lunch break”, you’ll be arrested, tried and convicted.  Serial adulterers shall be stoned to death in the public square.
   
3. You do it and you’ll be saying “I do”: Caught having sex?  Guess what — you’re now husband and wife…forever. If you’re going to play house, do it all they way.  You now get the full experience, including bills, laundry and the annoying body odors that come in the middle of the night.
4. Make a kid and you’ve made the deal: We didn’t catch you in rule #3?  Well, we got ya now!  You made a kid and you’re now of to the chapel.  Just don’t do this with anyone else.  You do remember rule #2, don’t you?
5. Abuse your family and pay the price: Under no circumstances are you allowed to verbally or physically abuse your loved ones in any way.  Since divorce is illegal, abuse will be met with maximum retaliation. Non-compliance can be met with penalties up to and including death, leaving your spouse free to marry someone more sensible.
6. Under no circumstances allow a celebrity to get married: Celebrities tend to treat marriage as something to do between roles or between releases of their latest CD’s.  We sure would hate to have kill off your favorite actor or singer based on their indiscretions.
7. Finally, accept fate: Marriage isn’t about happiness — it’s about the sanctity of the institution.  If you wanted to be happy you should have been…well…gay.

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